While I might not be secure of graduating this year, I do aim to do so. As a senior in my university, I knew I had one thing left to do: march down an aisle with a toga and a becca on June.
Like any senior college student, I am months away from graduating and it has only sunk in now. After a semester of being a senior, I only started feeling things now. Things that make you feel warm and teary-eyed; you know those things.
Tomorrow, I will be starting my final semester of college-should God allow me to graduate on time. And just like a kid who runs and cries in fear of entering school for the first time, I will slowly walk into my university with a broken smile as every step I take, is a step closer to leaving it. Everyday is and will be a step closer to leaving. How can moving towards something feel like you’re pushing it further away?
I am months away from leaving the best years of my life.
The years where you’ll be meeting friends you’d want to keep for the rest of your life.
The years with coffee but with no sleep.
The years with mentors and not teachers
The years with lovers but no love.
The years where there was a starting line but uncertainty was always the end.
For four years, I have lived with a dress-code, wore an ID, had frustration with enlistment, asked for yellow pad from someone else, went to the vending machine for a drink, froze in a classroom because I forgot my jacket, froze in front of class because I forgot to read the readings. I raced the clock for a deadline, I raced the clock of the bleep test. I looked far and wide for a socket to plug my dying laptop in. I wondered why the library printer jammed every time I needed to print something due in 5 minutes.
For almost three and a half, I have done those. And now I’m down to my last few months.
For the last four years, I have roamed the floors of a place that I know not like, even better than the back of my hand. For the last four years, I have occasionally dreaded waking up to leave sleep for school… Occasionally. And now I dread that I will wake up one day in the middle of June with no class to go to but with a memory of the first day of school in the same month.
I am nostalgic. I am reminiscent. I am… already missing a place I haven’t even left.
I, like most people, am scared. I am more scared, not of the future, but of leaving home. Leaving a place I learned, knew and understood what a home really was. I was scared of leaving a place I once entered for the first time as a scared little 4th year high school student taking their entrance exam. Before, I was scared I wouldn’t get in and now I’m scared that I’m getting out.
A few minutes from now, I will be waking up to a 7:30AM class. The first of the last classes I will be taking.
Indeed, it is only now did I understand what “How far we’ve come meant.” I am overwhelmed with emotions to write more.
Maybe more next time.